just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just blew my weed a kiss
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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