my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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