My cat gives me a boner
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
