I think I died a long time ago.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
