there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
