You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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