you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I got inside last night via doggy door
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
