Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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