Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
