dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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