He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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