I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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