I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
