if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
