You're completely useless in the revolution.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
