So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
