I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
