Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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