i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Girls should come with a carfax report
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
