We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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