I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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