She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My hand turned me down
Your dad touched me again.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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