I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
