he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
