My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
