bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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