Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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