my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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