I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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