how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
