i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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