P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
