do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
