i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
