I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
pop tarts are not kleenex
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
