just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
