he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
