My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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