Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
