ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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