I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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