my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
