Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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