you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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