There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
