During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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