I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just found a bag of teeth...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
