My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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