So drunk its hurt
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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