How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize