my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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