He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
