I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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