even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
