Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
