I wish I could punch you in the face.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
