After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
