The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
