Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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