Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My feet surprised me
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