i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
