In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
