do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
